I was having a rough couple of days. I was irritable. I was moody. I was snapping at everyone. My emotions were raw.
A few days prior, I’d had a session with a clinical psychologist. I thought it went well. During the session, I almost had a panic attack and I thought after it passed, everything would be ok, or at least it would be heading in that direction. Little did I know that it would bring up raw, strong painful emotions to the surface. This was, by the way, not my first session, or my first therapist. The very first one I saw was a little strange. She wanted to clean the “aura" before I sat down and at that time, it was quite hilarious to me.
Anyway, this new guy seemed to know what he was talking about. He let me talk, he asked me questions, he asked me why I thought people around me reacted to me the way they did - in hindsight. It clicked then that they may have been having issues of their own, but I took it how I took it and that learned behaviour has continued for the most part of my life. He even gave me homework. He asked me to allow whatever I was blocking to come to the surface. I remember shaking my head ‘no’ and then lightheadedness and voice telling me I’m gonna be OK. For once, I felt validated because I’ve always felt different and believed everyone that said I was a little too emotional and for once, I was told I was ‘sub clinically depressed with suicidal tendencies.’
Fast forward to a day after the session I was just stark raving mad. Everything was annoying me. I was called out on a lot of things - which I thought were valid reactions but apparently, I was acting way out of the ordinary. It was hard enough trying to not swear or say something lest I ‘hurt' someone’s feelings, but then I was asked to take a chill pill. This was funny to me because the person who told me to take a chill pill did not know that I had an actual chill pill that usually helps with my non-imagined anxiety. And so I took my chill pill and of course, it did what a chill pill is supposed to do.
I’m still mad. My emotions are all over the place. Much like a woman who’d just had a baby - I would know this of course because not only did I have the expected all over the place emotions after my baby was born, I also had post-partum depression. That's not a happy feeling, especially when you do not have someone that understands. To people it’s just you acting up and so, like I always say, you put a lid on it… and then one day, as expected, it goes boom. What happens when you don't have a chill pill?